mobiusstripper: (le sigh)
I could never go back to a mandated 8-5 schedule, but one of the annoying parts of setting my own hours is the gradual creep toward nocturnalism that I repeatedly go through. Start waking up a little later, start staying up a little later until I'm rolling out of bed at 1 PM every day and turning in at 5 AM and experiencing symptoms of seasonal depression in the middle of March. Then I have to force myself to go to sleep early one night, which means either sacrificing several hours of a day off or losing several hours of work time so that I can reset my schedule. Anyway, I got my ass to sleep at midnight last night and managed to wake up at 9, and I forgot how lovely the early(ish) morning is.

I've always wished I could be one of those people who is up with the sun, but after almost 30 years of being alive, I have to face the fact that that's never going to be me. I can do normal work just about any time of the day (in fact, earlier is usually better if I've had enough sleep), but the creative juices rarely start flowing before 10PM so I depend heavily on those late night hours for work that is in any way...ya know, meaningful. Valuable to me in a non-monetary way. I actually aspired to a biphasic sleep cycle for a little while. I'd wake up around 7 or 8, get all my work done by 3 at the latest, then take a nap for several hours, wake up and make dinner and be creative, then go to sleep around 2AM. But that sucked for my sleep cycles and didn't work for very long. I'm not even going to get into how my ADHD medication throws this all off. Grumble.
mobiusstripper: a hungry look in the eye (selfportrait)
I've talked a bit in the past about how I like to map out everything about my fictional worlds before I write them, but there is one big exception to that rule. I say a lot with regard to fiction that "questions are more interesting than answers" and, because I believe that, I like to leave big unanswered questions at the center of my stories. In a way, I suppose this choice is almost ritualistic on my part, like the deliberate imperfection stitched into an oriental rug. It's deeply tied to my strong personal belief that to be alive is often to live without answers, to pave a path forward even in the absence of closure. For that reason, I sometimes like to leave certain central questions unanswered even to myself. I suppose it feels like a betrayal of the message for me to know the answer.

But my playwright mentor disagrees, and she wants me to give her my answer the central question! So now I have to think of one (maybe the real reason I avoid answers - laziness!). And the problem is that no one particular answer feels like the correct one. Now I have some, shall we say, funky beliefs (at least relative to mainstream views) about reality. I am an immaterialist, an antipositivist, and an intersubjectivist (*psst* I can hear your eyes rolling, stop it). Even these philosophical positions I do not think of so much as hard opinions or statements about reality (for example, I don't feel it is a valuable pursuit to try to convince someone else to be an immaterialist) but as the frameworks I use to navigate the world for myself because they are the ones that have afforded me the most success in doing so (oh yeah, I'm also a bit of a Jamesian pragmatist). These frameworks shape every inch of my writing, which explore limited perspectives (unreliable narrators ftw), intimate internal experiences, and complex relationships between subjects with something of a pointed disregard for "what really happened." 

But, anyway, I am waxing philosophical, and probably doing so unnecessarily. Because there actually is a character in my play who knows the answer to the central question. He just happens to be dead. And the central question happens to be the circumstances around his death. So rather than laying out some objective narrative of "what happened," I can just write my account of what he experienced in the moments leading up to his death. At the time the main story takes place, no living person knows what happened. But somebody who was alive once did know. Thus I am forced to remind myself that the tragedy is not in a question that has no answer, but in a question that has an answer, but it is an answer which can no longer be known. The death of the one character that did know put an end to his reality and his truth and relegated what was once very real to a sealed bubble of history that, despite the ripples that continue to emanate from it, nobody from that point forward can ever access. It's an event horizon. But the fact that we can never see inside a black hole doesn't mean nothing is inside it. It just means that what is inside will be forever unknowable to those on the outside.

As an author, I have taken to limiting my own knowledge to that which can exist outside of the black hole, since that is where my stories take place and the reality that all of my characters exist in. But, at the same time, the author has the privileged position to be able to peek inside the black hole because our true position is one of neither inside nor outside, but above. With respect to our fictional universes, we are extradimensional beings who can observe wherever we please.

But the big question is: how does this affect the way we tell the story? Because I'm not convinced that the story can possibly be the same story before and after the author takes a peek beyond the event horizon. The differences might be subtle, but they would be significant nevertheless. The simple fact of someone outside the story knowing something those inside of it do not necessarily creates dramatic irony even where none is wanted.

On the other hand, the actor can still portray a character's ignorance of the plot despite she herself having privileged insights into the plot and other characters that the character doesn't have. This can be achieved through compartmentalization in the case of method acting or just skillful facsimile (as Lawrence Olivier said, "Why don't you just try acting?"). But, at the same time, there is no denying that some of the best bits of acting in film and television have come from cases in which the actor was genuinely surprised. Where the real ending was kept from them until the moment of filming, or another actor hit them with a line that was unscripted but directed. So, how does this tie in with writing?

Obviously, I'm not going to be a brat. I'm going to write the damn backstory because I'm not an arrogant little shit who's about to argue with the seasoned professional giving me free advice. I firmly believe in the learning the rules before breaking them. But it just had me thinking. And I never thought I'd say this, but maybe I need to do a little less of that these days. At this rate, I'll turn into a postmodernist. They warned me that this would happen when I started fucking with the humanities. Goddamn black magic.


mobiusstripper: (Default)
My brain has been completely exhausted lately, so despite the long reading list I've set out for myself, it's not really coming along, I've hit pause for now on my attempted cover-to-cover read of Being and Nothingness at page 100 (out of 800) and am instead reading Caitlin Doughty's latest book Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs?, in which she answers children's questions about rotting corpses. For whatever reason, reading about death and decay always puts a girl's mind at ease.



According to my app, I've done about 3 hours of cumulative plank in the past year, and I'm working on getting my daily plank up to 2 minutes (currently averaging 1 minute and 30 seconds). I went for a hike the other day, which felt really nice for my muscles. I'm upset about how online I have become in the past few years due to COVID and the effects it is having on my mental and physical health. I miss being able to go to my martial arts classes and roller derby and have a job that had a strong physical component. I know I can make my own exercise routine, but I haven't been very good at coming up with one that I can stick to other than doing my daily plank exercise. Otherwise, I am quite sedentary and, given that I have poor eating habits and am staring down 30, I don't like it.

I need to find a new therapist because of the move, and I am going to start working on restricting my internet time. It's hard when all of my work is being done online, but there is also plenty of time I spend online when I'm not working, and I want to work toward reclaiming that time for myself. There are many wonderful things about being online - meeting new people, being exposed to new ideas, especially in a time when I've restricted my in-person interactions so much - but I'd be dishonest with myself if I didn't acknowledge that I use it primarily a source of instant gratification and dopamine hits. I genuinely worry about the effect spending so much time online is having on my brain. I so rarely am truly alone anymore, and I need to get back to being able to just be with myself. I need to renew my focusing on meditating (something I am admittedly shit at with my ADHD but that is still good for me), private journaling, and doing my art without something constantly going on in the background. My self-discipline is truly terrible when it comes to things like that, so I'm going to need to put my foot down with myself and develop a system.

Now that I've settled in after the move, I am going to start seriously considering looking at going back to school (again), although I really don't know 100% what I want to do. I have been considering MFA programs in creative writing, but I don't know if they are worth the time or money. I continue to be interested in law school, particularly going into labor law. Human rights law of some kind as been something I've imagined going into since high school, but the truth is that I don't know if I have the emotional wherewithal for it, which is what has kept me from pursuing it so far. I do believe I have the mind for it, but I struggle with bureaucracy and burnout. I have always suffered from being more thinker than doer. It's still up in the air with COVID because I do not want to be in a classroom environment when things are still as they are, but I also don't want to get ripped off for inferior online classes. I want to go to the best school I can get into and get the best experience I can out of it. But maybe that just another excuse for me not to shit or get off the pot and avoid taking the next step in life. I'm going to be getting in touch with the career office at my alma mater, since their services are available to all alumni, and hopefully talk to somebody who can help me pick a path and start working on it. The fact that I don't want to attend school now doesn't need to stop me from applying. I can always defer an acceptance.

I reached out to a playwright friend of mine recently - an old friend of my mother's who I got close with after I did graphic design for several of her shows back when I was in high school - and asked her if she would be interested in mentoring me. She said that she would love to, so now she is going to guide me through the process of writing my first play. I need to come up with a few pitches before our first meeting next week, so that is what I will be spending this weekend on. I am trying to decide if I should try adapting one of my existing stories or write something completely new. I will probably write up pitches for both and then talk them through with her and see what she thinks. I'm not worrying about the possibility of getting something produced because that would be premature when I haven't written anything yet, but I will admit I have daydreams about it.

My damn laptop is going in for repairs again. Fortunately, I dug up my old HP Stream, and it seems to still work well enough for me to do basic things. But this puts a wrench in my art because the Stream doesn't have enough memory to set up my tablet and usual art programs on. So I will probably have to wait until my main laptop comes back to be able to do much digitally. That's okay though because I haven't worked on my traditional art much recently, and it wouldn't kill me to do some practice there, even if it means I won't be producing anything polished or portfolio-worthy.


I also need to get my ass in gear about submitting poetry to journals. I said I would do 100 submissions this year, but so far I've only done four. I have no excuse but my sheer laziness for that one.

mobiusstripper: (Default)
Tonight's the night, y'all. I am going to wade into the depths of an abandoned draft and start rewriting. There is NOTHING I hate more than reading my own drafts. I will procrastinate for months between finishing a draft and editing because I hate it so much. Back when I used to act, I could never watch myself on video. It's the same exact thing. I know it's bad and completely unsustainable for an artist, and it's something I acknowledge that I need to just get over.

The funny part is that the draft is usually not that terrible in the end, and even if parts of it are truly awful, it's not that hard to fix. I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of. I suspect part of the problem is that I force myself to go into a trance and shove aside my inner control freak while I'm writing because if I didn't, I'd never get a single word onto the page. But then I need that control freak part of me to be at peak performance to edit, and the control freak part of my mind is intimidated by the uninhibited part and the potentially weird, embarrassing, uncomfortable stuff it has to say. At the same time, weird and uncomfortable is ON BRAND for me and something I actively cultivate, BUT in a very specific way. Weird and uncomfortable in a targeted, thought-out way is good. Unintentionally weird and uncomfortable is bad.

Do I need to rethink my need for control over my attempts at transgression? It makes me think of my senior year of undergrad when I was in this religious studies seminar. It dealt with surveillance, imperialism, and authoritarianism as modern representations of the eyes of God. You know, classic liberal arts shit, highly mock-able. But it was a great course with a brilliant professor. Anyway I wrote a paper on the book Mumbo Jumbo by Ishmael Reed, which features a conspiracy called the Wallflower Order that is basically the white patriarchal colonialist anti-fun brigade. They, like me, crave control and hate dancing, but, unlike me, they want to piss on everybody's parade. So I wrote the first draft of my paper and went to discuss it with my professor in office hours. He read it, and then he said, "It's an exemplary essay, and that's the problem. It's like it was written by the Wallflower Order."

Therein lies my predicament.

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